"Fight with all the strength at your disposal
against the idea that you are nameable and describable." - Nisargadatta Maharaj
This quote was a bit of a lighthouse for me for a long time - one of those quotes I loved so much because I knew I didn't quite get it yet. And that in getting it, something important would open up.
And indeed, it has. I now understand in an often all too embodied way, that my deepest nature is vastness. That the more I go "within", to that place where we are supposed to find "ourselves" - our heart, our soul, or true self, our inner voice, etc - the more I discover that "within" in this sense is just a doorway to "without". That is - we are truly just portals to the infinite, and any deep exploration of self ultimately leads to an exploration of space.
This is indeed a lovely realization that makes things like meditation, friendship, and dance much more interesting territories. But it can also be rather frustrating and confusing for navigating the "3D" world, as so many of my friends now call it.
Before I go on I must of course acknowledge that even talking about it here and like this would probably get me a wallop upside the head from Mr. Maharaj, who might tell me to keep meditating until I no longer feel the need to analyze and discuss. Fair enough, cave-dwelling mystic. But a) I don't claim to be enlightened and b) I don't want to live in a cave.
In a sense, I don't want to stop at vastness! I want to grapple with role and identity and materiality and work and relationship in the corporeal, material, social world I seem to have agreed to exist in. To me, vastness alone misses out on the more challenging joy of being vast and embodied and productive at the same time.
How, for example, do I find that Goldilocks sweet spot of 'self' that exists between the airy living from the void space of the spiritual mystic and the overly contracted and ego-identity driven place of the average human striving? What are my boundaries of self and how do I care for my human heart when this fascinating infinite playground is also available in every interaction? How do I explore that sense of infinite while staying grounded in my own earthly body? How can I care for the insecure social creature that wants to be accepted when my nature has become being a bridge between worlds and not fully belonging in any of them? How do I allow that honest reality without taking it on as victim identity? There are many fascinating dances, balance points, and paradoxes to navigate in the personal, social and relational aspects of this new reality.
And then there's work. From this sweet spot, what work do I choose to do in the world for money, for fulfillment, for contribution? I read an article yesterday that made a rather feisty argument that our value in the world is not our inherent existence but rather the skills we offer to serve others. Like many young seekers on the path, I have a history of crapping on productivity as somehow unenlightened. Of judging that anyone career-oriented was just masking some deep insecurity and should be more and do less. Like many I worked part time, choose to be poor, and spent a lot of my time on the "more valuable" inner work of discovering my true nature. Of course, there's some truth in that perspective, and deep value in the time I took to get to know myself more deeply. But I also think this guy has a point.
And if I'm truly honest, something in me screams to contribute, and always has. Having blamed my parents' and societal voices in my head long enough, I've come to the conclusion that I want to succeed not because others want me to, but because I want to have a positive impact on the world while I'm here. It's a pretty simple, core, universal human drive that seems to be even deeper or at least on par with the shadow side drives for wealth and power and 'success' identity. At this point though, I am very much feeling a clear drive coming from inside my heart to share value in the world. To get up and do things that matter, that give back, that contribute, and that model a new more integrated way of being and doing, together.
My personal purpose right now has to do with repairing integrity in the relationship between work and soul. I'm interested in bringing aliveness, joy, meaning, love, support, soul, heart, and a sense of family into our work lives. And in helping people to find their soul calling and to bring their deepest integrity and heart into their work. It involves a lot of doing, and I'm actually excited about that.
And it also involves never losing touch with my own vastness. Being the change takes an incredible strength of being - this work requires walking the walk in a way that helps others see and feel what is possible. It's a bit terrifying and thrilling at the same time. It involves continuing to take time to feel into that infinite potential and to embody it through various practices, so that I can bring it with me everywhere. Even now, sitting here at my computer, with my to do list, spreadsheets, inbox, and bills to pay. I'm typing on my laptop in a loud cafe. I feel my feet on the ground and my hip bones in my chair. I see the clock and acknowledge it's time to move on to my next task.
And most of all, I feel my heart, exploding out in all directions with love and excitement, an aspect of that vastness that mysteriously somehow also rests in this body, just happy to be along for the ride.