When you first learn to kayak, you learn in a still and shallow pool. Once you get the basics down, you move to an easy slow-moving stream. Apparently, eventually if you get good enough and insane enough you can scale waterfalls like this crazy mo-fo. Looks fun unless you aren't prepared for it or are just unlucky, at which point you have a major "oh fuck" moment. From the Oh Fuck, you proceed to either successfully navigate the raging waters despite your fears and doubt, flailingly and inelegantly make it through, capsize catastrophically but somehow stronger and wiser, or die trying.
Personal/spiritual growth work is kind of the same thing. If you're lucky and had a healthy love-filled childhood and an unquestioning nature, you can stay in the relaxing kiddy pool as long as you live. It may be a bit boring, but if you've never felt what it's like to be in the river then you don't really know the difference. The movie Wall-e comes to mind on this one...
Many live bored & complacent in the slow moving stream, longing for something more exciting but not knowing how to find it. Others are born into the waterfall and spend their whole lives just trying not to drown.
So the thing they don't tell you about spiritual growth: it's a straight shot to the class 5 rapids. And while you are too blissed out to notice, riding the highs of your newfound states of joy and ecstasy, oneness and crown shakra openings fresh off of Burning Man or a Kirtan festival, just downstream a wild ride of lows awaits. Your range of perception, emotion, and sensation has been enhanced - in both directions. Good luck navigating the bottoms. And all those spiritual gurus & life coaches? They seem rather useless cheering you on from the shore as you drop off the fucking waterfall. And those self-help mantras and practices? They're your fancy equipment, sure, but you still have to paddle for yourself.
This, at least, is how it's felt for me in this last year of oh so much "growth". Yes, in some moments I stand as love and light, emanating pure joy and plugged into universal awareness and that feels rather grand indeed. But I would be wholly dishonest if I tried to stand on that pedestal waxing eloquent about the nature of awakening without also admitting that I have also experienced more terror, inexplicable shaking, weeping, generalized flailing about, and rageful fits of confusion and frustration than I had ever known before all this god damned "opening" came and shook up my relatively peaceful form of standard human suffering. And sometimes I wish I'd never discovered my chakras and everything that followed. Sometimes I miss the tranquil illusions of the kiddy pool.
In short what I'm saying is the red pill has side effects that those who prescribe it often fail to mention. Read the box. Choose consciously.
This post was inspired by my wanting to share why I haven't been writing or teaching much for the last 3 months. I've been busy trying not to drown and navigating the all too eventful white-waters of my inner world.
When I created this website, I was riding a relatively stable multi-month high that included the belief that I had something to offer the world. Then, winter happened, inside and out, and I was too busy feeling confused, ashamed, afraid, sad, and self-preserving to take much time for writing, workshops, or healing sessions. In short, I didn't feel I had much to offer.
This confession may well be bad for 'business' -- many of my savvier and well-polished workshop & life coach friends would probably advise against it. Better that I present as if I've got it all figured out and don't still struggle with the challenges of this human experience. And if I'm going to be vulnerable I should at least do so in an empowering and uplifting and transformational kind of way - you know the "I too used to be fat" share from the diet-fad spokesperson. Key message being "I used to be fucked up too, but then I found this magical whatever-it-is that I'm offering you and now I'm happy all the time."
I just watched Kumaré this week, which is a fascinating documentary I highly recommend about a young Indian-American man who pretended to be a guru and developed a real group of followers. And in the end, the man realized that his best-self alter-ego Kumaré had a real message to offer that he really believed in: that there is no guru, that the guru is an illusion and a mirror of the ideal selves we are too afraid to be. The impersonator found a message to offer that felt important and true to him, and that made his hoax a real part of his real message.
I had a similar experience today. I was doing a trade with a 'client' friend - I did a practice healing session with her, and in turn just wanted some present listening. She just listened as I shared some of my struggle with loneliness and the challenges of moving to a new place I've been feeling these last months. And in response, she shared how glad she was that I am human. That I don't have it all figured out. That this is part of why she trusts me: because I don't pretend to.
She was interested in joining the women's group I had talked of forming, and I came home inspired to get that going and to update this site in response. And as I reviewed the site, I realized how silly it is that I had shied away from it as if I had nothing to offer from my darker place - and how my silence was a form of hiding and not practicing what I preach. Yet I believe in what I preach here - that AUTHENTICITY ITSELF IS THE OFFERING. And if confusion or self-doubt or sadness or shame are part of what's real for me, then my practice is to be real with that to myself and those around me as best I can.
There is indeed a hell of a lot of illusion and confusion that we navigate as humans, and there are some people in the history of humanity that seem to have experienced a total brain rewiring that allows them to see differently such that they never again experience human suffering again (Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie come to mind). And they have some great tools and perspectives to offer that can help us suffer less. But my honest take at this stage in my own development is that they are the rare and the few - the elite pros, if you will, that manage to kayak the waterfalls like it's the kiddy pool. And those who desire to pursue this path - have at it. And those who don't - I find I judge and fault you less and less for the blue pill choice as my own journey seems to pummel and humble me more each day.
I don't really care what your level of spiritual development or self-awareness is. I don't care if you have guides or know your God self or see auras. I don't care if you're a humble family man or a famous guru - if you're real with yourself and others, I love and so appreciate you and believe your honesty helps make the world a much better place. If you're hiding and pretending, I love you too and empathize, but I don't really like your behavior. Much like my own these last few months. So plea to self and other: Can we all stop hiding and being ashamed of not being happy all the time and just be authentic - with our joy, our shame, our fear, our anger, our numbness, our confusion - all of it?!?
This whole being alive thing is both beautiful and gnarly. My plea to make it more fun: let's act less perfect and be more real. And what I've noticed, ironically, is that when I muster up the courage and conviction to be boldly authentic in every moment - that's the easiest way to enter the stream of joy.
Personal/spiritual growth work is kind of the same thing. If you're lucky and had a healthy love-filled childhood and an unquestioning nature, you can stay in the relaxing kiddy pool as long as you live. It may be a bit boring, but if you've never felt what it's like to be in the river then you don't really know the difference. The movie Wall-e comes to mind on this one...
Many live bored & complacent in the slow moving stream, longing for something more exciting but not knowing how to find it. Others are born into the waterfall and spend their whole lives just trying not to drown.
So the thing they don't tell you about spiritual growth: it's a straight shot to the class 5 rapids. And while you are too blissed out to notice, riding the highs of your newfound states of joy and ecstasy, oneness and crown shakra openings fresh off of Burning Man or a Kirtan festival, just downstream a wild ride of lows awaits. Your range of perception, emotion, and sensation has been enhanced - in both directions. Good luck navigating the bottoms. And all those spiritual gurus & life coaches? They seem rather useless cheering you on from the shore as you drop off the fucking waterfall. And those self-help mantras and practices? They're your fancy equipment, sure, but you still have to paddle for yourself.
This, at least, is how it's felt for me in this last year of oh so much "growth". Yes, in some moments I stand as love and light, emanating pure joy and plugged into universal awareness and that feels rather grand indeed. But I would be wholly dishonest if I tried to stand on that pedestal waxing eloquent about the nature of awakening without also admitting that I have also experienced more terror, inexplicable shaking, weeping, generalized flailing about, and rageful fits of confusion and frustration than I had ever known before all this god damned "opening" came and shook up my relatively peaceful form of standard human suffering. And sometimes I wish I'd never discovered my chakras and everything that followed. Sometimes I miss the tranquil illusions of the kiddy pool.
In short what I'm saying is the red pill has side effects that those who prescribe it often fail to mention. Read the box. Choose consciously.
This post was inspired by my wanting to share why I haven't been writing or teaching much for the last 3 months. I've been busy trying not to drown and navigating the all too eventful white-waters of my inner world.
When I created this website, I was riding a relatively stable multi-month high that included the belief that I had something to offer the world. Then, winter happened, inside and out, and I was too busy feeling confused, ashamed, afraid, sad, and self-preserving to take much time for writing, workshops, or healing sessions. In short, I didn't feel I had much to offer.
This confession may well be bad for 'business' -- many of my savvier and well-polished workshop & life coach friends would probably advise against it. Better that I present as if I've got it all figured out and don't still struggle with the challenges of this human experience. And if I'm going to be vulnerable I should at least do so in an empowering and uplifting and transformational kind of way - you know the "I too used to be fat" share from the diet-fad spokesperson. Key message being "I used to be fucked up too, but then I found this magical whatever-it-is that I'm offering you and now I'm happy all the time."
I just watched Kumaré this week, which is a fascinating documentary I highly recommend about a young Indian-American man who pretended to be a guru and developed a real group of followers. And in the end, the man realized that his best-self alter-ego Kumaré had a real message to offer that he really believed in: that there is no guru, that the guru is an illusion and a mirror of the ideal selves we are too afraid to be. The impersonator found a message to offer that felt important and true to him, and that made his hoax a real part of his real message.
I had a similar experience today. I was doing a trade with a 'client' friend - I did a practice healing session with her, and in turn just wanted some present listening. She just listened as I shared some of my struggle with loneliness and the challenges of moving to a new place I've been feeling these last months. And in response, she shared how glad she was that I am human. That I don't have it all figured out. That this is part of why she trusts me: because I don't pretend to.
She was interested in joining the women's group I had talked of forming, and I came home inspired to get that going and to update this site in response. And as I reviewed the site, I realized how silly it is that I had shied away from it as if I had nothing to offer from my darker place - and how my silence was a form of hiding and not practicing what I preach. Yet I believe in what I preach here - that AUTHENTICITY ITSELF IS THE OFFERING. And if confusion or self-doubt or sadness or shame are part of what's real for me, then my practice is to be real with that to myself and those around me as best I can.
There is indeed a hell of a lot of illusion and confusion that we navigate as humans, and there are some people in the history of humanity that seem to have experienced a total brain rewiring that allows them to see differently such that they never again experience human suffering again (Eckhart Tolle, Byron Katie come to mind). And they have some great tools and perspectives to offer that can help us suffer less. But my honest take at this stage in my own development is that they are the rare and the few - the elite pros, if you will, that manage to kayak the waterfalls like it's the kiddy pool. And those who desire to pursue this path - have at it. And those who don't - I find I judge and fault you less and less for the blue pill choice as my own journey seems to pummel and humble me more each day.
I don't really care what your level of spiritual development or self-awareness is. I don't care if you have guides or know your God self or see auras. I don't care if you're a humble family man or a famous guru - if you're real with yourself and others, I love and so appreciate you and believe your honesty helps make the world a much better place. If you're hiding and pretending, I love you too and empathize, but I don't really like your behavior. Much like my own these last few months. So plea to self and other: Can we all stop hiding and being ashamed of not being happy all the time and just be authentic - with our joy, our shame, our fear, our anger, our numbness, our confusion - all of it?!?
This whole being alive thing is both beautiful and gnarly. My plea to make it more fun: let's act less perfect and be more real. And what I've noticed, ironically, is that when I muster up the courage and conviction to be boldly authentic in every moment - that's the easiest way to enter the stream of joy.